Children of almost any age can have an eating disorder. However, it’s more common when kids get to be in their teens and most common among girls, who face constant media and more personal pressures to be thin.
Parenting a child with an eating disorder, whether it involves starving themselves, compulsive eating or another concern is never easy. Co-parenting that child after separation or divorce can be even more challenging – especially if parents don’t agree on how to deal with it or even if the situation in question is a problem at all.
Commit to what you can agree on
Parents who share custody should be on the same page. Otherwise, the child’s condition may worsen from a combination of the stress of parental break-up and having different expectations and attitudes in their two homes around their relationship with food.
Both parents need to at least agree to adhere to some basic rules. It can help to meet jointly with your child’s therapist or medical doctor to prioritize and agree to things that you can both do when your child is with you. These might include things as simple as the following:
- Focus on healthy eating rather than on how thin or heavy your child is.
- Don’t discuss calories or “dieting.”
- Don’t use scales or fitness trackers unless your child’s doctor wants you to.
- Refrain from commenting on other people’s bodies and size – either positively or negatively – in front of your child.
- Don’t tell your child that your co-parent is “wrong” or “misguided” about something involving their eating or their weight. Certainly, don’t tell them that their other parent doesn’t care as much about them if they don’t believe the eating disorder is as serious as you do – or that they’re “nuts” for believing that it is serious.
It’s a good idea to codify any agreed-on points in your parenting plan so that they’re enforceable in the event that your co-parent doesn’t honor them. Having them clarified in this way can also help to set expectations in ways that aren’t subject to interpretation.
If you believe that your co-parent’s attitude about your child’s eating disorder is harmful to their physical and/or mental health, you may have grounds to seek primary or sole custody at least for the time being. Having experienced legal guidance throughout the divorce process and any time you believe you need to seek a modification to a custody agreement or parenting plan can help you work to do what’s in your child’s best interests.